Back again!

Back again - hopefully to stay.  I don't know why I can't seem to stick with blogging.  I want to, really I do but I just seem to start and stop over and over again.  I've been missing it lately so I thought I'd give it another go.

It seems like in so many ways life is much like it was a year ago when I last blogged.  I'm still struggling with my weight.  I get serious about it and start to lose, then I sabotage and gain some back and at the end of it all I stay about the same weight.  I am wearing mostly a size 10 with some 12s so that's better than last year although I really think that some of the retailers are making their sizes a little bigger now.  I'll take it!

The biggest change around here is that I've decided to homeschool my older daughter next year.  Ack!!  Have I lost my mind? The toddler is just about ready to go to preschool and I was so close to having a little time for myself again and I was so completely looking forward to it.  The problem was that I really am not happy with her school.  I really don't think that a traditional school environment is the right thing for her and I think I've known it for a long long time.  I guess I just finally came to the point where I decided to pull the trigger and actually do something about it.  The truth is that I am completely excited about it and so is she.  The truth also is that I am completely terrified by it.  I am afraid that I am going to be no good at teaching her; that I won't have enough patience; that I won't know enough and ultimately that I will fail her.  I know that is my own insecurities talking and that I have to put my big girl panties on, tell my little nay sayer inner voice to shut up and do what I know is right for my daughter.  I'm in the process of figuring it all out right now.  I've made our school calendar and a weekly schedule.  We've chosen a school name.  She's working on her first assignment which is to choose a mascot and school colors and design a logo.  She's decided she also wants to devise a motto and then she will write a persuasive essay to present her choices to us.  Watching her work on that yesterday drove home for me that this is the right choice for her,  I saw that spark in her that I haven't really seen much at all in the two years we've lived here.   I've got her math placement test ready to go and I've compiled the curriculum I want to use for Social Studies.  We've decided on the courses we want to do next year and have made time to add Religion, Italian, and Computer Coding to her week in addition to Music which are all things she doesn't get now at school.  We've found a group that I think we will join when we actually start schooling in the fall.  We are in the process of setting up a room in our house to use as a school room and I am trying to gather some materials so that I can keep Reagan busy and engaged while I am working with her sister.  It's a lot to get done but I think it will be worth it.  I'm hoping to do it through middle school and have her go back to main stream school for high school.  By that point I think she will have gained some much needed confidence and feel more comfortable in her own skin.   I also think that her time will have been better spent exploring things that interest her instead of memorizing facts so she can score high on the tests they must take in public school.  I just feel like they waste so much time preparing for CRCT and other tests that in the end are of no benefit to her.  The last two years she has spent over a month of school preparing for the CRCT and another week taking the test and it doesn't even test her on the curriculum that she is learning this year because she is accelerated.  Time is so precious and to spend so much of it preparing for testing is a waste.  I'm sure there is going to be a huge learning curve for both of us with homeschooling but we are going to give it our all.

The other big change around here is that we've had to separate our dogs.  Jack is pretty old and he really has a hard time getting around.  Murphy has been becoming really aggressive with him and actually attacked him one day for no reason. He has been more and more skittish around the kids and one night at dinner he bit Madison when she tried to pet him.  I think she startled him but at the end of the day I can't have a dog around the kids that I can't trust not to bite them soooo Murphy has moved to the basement.  The first two days he was miserable and I'm not sure if it was because he didn't like being down there or because he was upset about biting Madison.  I think it was the latter because he is now happy as can be down there.  There's no more going potty in the house, no more hiding in the closet or under the bed and refusing to go out.  He just is so happy to see you and seems like a different dog.  My husband's office is in the basement so he's not always alone. I tried bringing him back upstairs at night after the kids went to bed but he attacked Jack again so that's out but he doesn't seem to mind.  There's no constant barking anymore either. It seems like something we should have done long ago.  We closed in the fence so now he can go outside and run too like he did at the old house and he has a ball out there.  The other dogs don't seem to miss him upstairs and neither do the kids so I think this will be our new set up.

Mama Luke

Take it off Tuesday

Just realized it was Tuesday and thought I would check in.   I'm doing okay on my weight loss adventure.  I was down to 159 before the weekend but veered off tract over the weekend when my husband & I went out to dinner for date night.  Two martinis and some mashed potatoes didn't help my bottom line but they were worth it.  The Italian cookies we had for dessert and the one beer I had at my neighbor's that night was not.  The pasta I had the next night might have been.  I'm not feeling guilty about any of that though as I am really looking at my weight loss as a journey towards more balanced and healthy eating habits so I think I'm okay.  The weight will come off more slowly this way but I am ultimately happier.  As long as I am heading in the right direction and not feeling completely deprived to do it I think I will be better able to see this through to a healthy weight for me and then remain there.

Feeling a lot of stress this week and I'm not completely sure why.  My husband is traveling the entire week and although he travels a lot - every week - he isn't usually gone the entire week like this week.   On top of him being gone this week I have a doctor's appt., a meeting at school, a school concert, a visit to the farm, music class, gym class, lunch at school, Suessical the Musical, tennis and a brunch to attend all with the toddler in tow.  Add to that the three dogs and worrying about whether my older daughter was going to pass the earring she swallowed on Friday night and I am just feeling kind of frazzled.  Oh... and I have PMS so that hasn't improved the situation any.  I will be glad when the week is over.  Saturday night I have a charity dinner to attend and Sunday we are going bowling with another family.  I am not really looking forward to either.  The dinner should be fun and we will know a lot of people there but I haven't done really anything for the dinner other than get a silent auction basket and I am on the committee so I feel kind of guilty.  I also am very worried about leaving the little one with a babysitter because we have never had anyone else put her to bed before and although she has had lots of babysitters - she has never known it because she has always been in bed by the time we left.  The bowling is just going to be challenging because I can't bowl with my elbow this way and I know that the little one is going to have a hard time there too because she is really too young to participate.  I'm sure we will have a lot of fun at both in the end but now in the lead up it is just making me a little worried.  Wow - just re-read this post.  Bitch, bitch, bitch....I think I might just need a nap!!

Breathe in, Breathe out

Sorry about yesterday's rambling post.  I just needed to vent and since no one other than me and the occasional random lurker ever actually reads this blog I figured it was a safe place to do it.  I'm still miffed by it all and I'm not entirely sure why I am still letting this and her take up mental space but it is.

I'm really just having a blah kind of week for some reason.  The weather here is very drab and off and on rainy so I know that is part of it.  It's also sort of cold and damp and I'm over that weather now.  I thought we had moved on to warm spring/early summer weather and I am excited to wear my new Jack Rogers - cue pouting lip and stomping feet :).  I'm still having problems with ants in the kitchen and master bathroom.  Terminex was out again today so let's hope that fixed the problem - last week's visit did not.  And of course they always show up during the baby's nap time which causes problems.  I'm trying to get my plans finalized for summer vacation - which is only a month away for us - and I'm getting stressed about making that all come together.  Just a lot of nit picky little things and I think a lot of people are just trying my patience this week.  I need to take a deep breath and say F you remember what and who is important to me and let the other stuff go.  Breathe in, breathe out.... ahhh

I'm a Snob

Apparently I'm a snob!  We are still fairly new to the area and with a little one I haven't really made as many friends in the last year as I thought I would have by this point.  There have been a few people that I really like and enjoy getting together with and there was one woman in particular that I thought I was becoming close friends with.  I have recently backed away a bit from this woman for a few reasons.  She complains a lot to me about her husband (they are fairly newly married 2 or 3 years I think) and a lot of her complaints seem justified but I really just try to listen to her and reassure her that marriage is hard sometimes and we all go through rough patches.  Her husband has not had a job the entire time I've known her so I just chalked it up to too much togetherness and probably frustration over their current situation.  The reality though is that I think he is crazy controlling and some of what she has told me is pretty much a precursor to abuse. 

That being said I am not a big fan of husband bashing with friends because I don't think it is ever good for the friendship or for your marriage so I typically do not engage in it.  I have a good friend from college that has known my husband since we dated in college and I confide in her from time to time if the need arises and a good friend from Tampa whose husband is very similar to mine and she to me and our life situations have mirrored one anothers with all our moves, etc. and we can talk to one another.  The thing about both of these women is that when we talk we have known one another and each other's husbands for years and know that we are all very committed to our husbands & marriages and are just frustrated and basically bitching from time to time. 

What was going on with this other woman wasn't that and it was frankly making me a little uncomfortable.  So when she invited my husband and I to attend a bible study for couples at her house I was a little leery but initially said we would do it.  I thought it was a good way to meet other couples and I haven't done a study ever with my husband and I hadn't done one at all since moving to Atlanta.  The study had already started when she invited us so we had missed the first one and then both of the kids were sick and we missed the next one.  By this point I was thinking we were going to be a bit out of the loop and the more my husband and I talked about it the more we realized it just wasn't going to work for our family this time around.  My older daughter has tennis on Fridays from 5-7 and we are never out of there right at 7.  We would then have to feed the kids and get to her house which is nearly 30 minutes away so we would be late every week.  Our girls are in bed by 8pm on Friday nights - earlier than that on weeknights and this bible study was not going to get over until at least 9 - 9:30 so it would be 10 before we got home with them.  It just wasn't going to work so I apologized and told her we would love to do one with them in the future.  I could tell she was upset with me and really acted quite rude to me for the next few weeks at playgroup but I figured she'd get over it and I went out of my way to ask her to do other things with me so she would know that it wasn't personal.  That is when she said something that changed everything.  She called me up and told me that she had been thinking about it and that I really needed to just come to the study by myself because I don't do anything for myself  and all my husband ever does is go away on business trips and have a good time while he sticks me at home with the kids and doesn't let me do anything.  And on and on she went.  I wish there was someone taping me at that moment because I would have loved to see the look on my face.  I was just floored.  First of all that couldn't be further from the truth and second of all I don't know where she got the impression that it was acceptable to comment on my husband or my marriage.  Not one to ever have friendship drama, I just told her I would think about it and quickly came up with a reason to end the call.  From that point on I just didn't feel the same way about her.  She would come over for this or that and I always thought she was being rude to my husband.  We'd go shopping and she'd make me feel guilty for buying something for my girls because her husband wasn't working so she didn't have money to buy for her girls.  Yet in the same breath she'd tell me how her husband was putting in a coy pond or they'd have a party and I'd go their house and they would have all new expensive landscaping.  Now, I don't generally count other people's money but it would just irk me because she was also telling me that they had no health insurance and the little girl hadn't been able to get her vaccinations or check ups because they didn't have the money, etc.  Finally I just decided that I didn't think I really wanted to be friends with her beyond our playgroup.  I really don't think we are all that similar and I don't like being friends with people when there is a lot of drama.  I have enough extended family drama - I like to keep my friends as my refuge for fun!  I didn't just cut her out or anything.  I just started calling her less and doing less with her.  Some of it wasn't even intentional because I have been kind of busy lately between spring break and sick kids, etc. 

So, fast forward to today and playgroup was at her house.  I didn't go last week because Reagan was sick and the week before that was spring break so I didn't go because we spent the week doing things around Atlanta with Madison.  I think the week before that they weren't at playgroup so it's been about a month since I've actually seen her.  She had called me over this past weekend and I missed her call so I finally got around to calling her back on Monday and we talked until I finally had to go because we were at Reagan's class.  The entire conversation was about her husband and how he wants her to go back to work and she doesn't want to put her daughter in daycare and how he's been acting lately, etc.  I felt bad about cutting her off because she obviously needed someone to talk to but I had to go in to the class so I told her I'd call her back.  I did call her back right after the class but she didn't answer so I left a message and really didn't think any more about it.  So today at playgroup it was actually nice. The husband wasn't lurking around because he finally got a job so he was at work and I thought we all had a nice time together so as we all getting the kids ready to leave she says to me "so are you coming next week" and I said I was.  So then she says "good because I thought you were thinking you are too good for us because you never come."  She was being all jokey like but I could tell she was serious so I laughed and said that I'd been there all but the last two weeks and the other girls were chiming in saying yeah she was at the park but you weren't there that week and she was here but you missed that week, etc.  I laughed and said I could have come last week but I didn't think you'd appreciate my kid giving croup to all of your kids!!  They all laughed and then this woman said, "well, you're just a snob is what you are.  I call and text and you don't answer and then you don't call me back.  You're just a snob.  I don't think you love me anymore".  All the while she is laughing like she's joking but the rest of the women kind of got quiet and I was starting to get a little embarrassed.  I really didn't know what to say so I just laughed and said something to the effect of "Oh that's crazy.  I talked to you just on Monday and then I called you back and you didn't call me so maybe you're the snob - hahaha"  Really what I was thinking is WTF???  Sorry about the complete rant.  I am just completely shocked I think and my husband is off living it up on one of his famous business trips so I can't talk to him about it :)  She is right about one thing.  I don't love her anymore!!

Take it off, Put it back on

First of all let me just say that I find this formatting on this blog completely hard to work with.  The last blog - also on blogger was just so much easier to manipulate and I don't know why I can't seem to easily change things and make them look cute.  I changed my header picture and my head is half cut off and one of my daughters is cut out - why???  Ugh - frustrating!!

In other frustrating news - I obviously have no willpower and am destined to be bigger than I want to be for all of eternity.  I had been doing so well before spring break.  I was down to 162 - almost to the 150's - so close I could almost taste it.  I did fine the first few days of break and then we took the kids to an amusement park.  I actually did well there the whole day until dinner when instead of choosing the grilled chicken sandwich which I thought would be completely dry & gross - I chose to indulge in pizza with the family because it looked pretty good.  It was - too good - so I had two pieces.  I then continued with my debauchery and had some of my daughter's funnel cake and thus the downfall began.  I cheated a little here, a little there all week and by last night I was sneaking half of a Fat Boy ice cream sandwich and having a bowl of cereal at 10pm - after I ate the ears and tail off of one of the chocolate bunnies the Easter bunny brought for Reagan.  Even after all of that I am only up to 165.6 and I am still in a size 12 but I want to be around 140 and be in a size 8 so I need to get my big but in gear.  Whahhhh - I just don't want to but deep down I do and I must pick myself and just get back on the band wagon and do this.  I know I can do it - at least I think I can and I have to admit I really liked how I was feeling when I started to lose weight and my clothes started fitting again.  If I can just focus on that maybe I'll be taking it off again in no time.

Forming a Plan

I love that feeling I get when I suddenly have an idea that I think is going to be just fabulous!  I had one of those this morning and I'm so excited to get started.  Maybe I should go to bed early more often because I actually had a few good ideas this morning.  So, back to my idea.  When we bought this house the master bedroom was a mess.  It had all black trim and green walls and it gets very little natural light because of the covered porch.  It also had some really great things to work with like two french doors and a fireplace and the room is a great size.  I interviewed painters and they wanted $1000 to paint the room - that was too much for me.  I really couldn't justify spending that much to paint one room so I decided I'd just paint it myself. 

What a project!!  It took forever - at one point I got mad at my husband and just gave up - for months.  Finally I decided that it had to get done and my husband got on board too and we finished painting it.  It looked awesome - like a totally different room.  I found a great comforter at SteinMart for an even greater price.  I found some curtains and lamps and then found two chairs for the room.  We had a family picture done for over the fireplace and added some accessories and called the room done.  The thing is that it's been bugging me for months because I just felt like I didn't love the furniture placement but really couldn't come up with another arrangement. 

This morning it just hit me - I finally had an idea about how to make the room better.  I ran the idea by my husband totally thinking he'd veto it because it involves buying a small desk but low and behold he agreed to my idea.  The best part is that this afternoon I realized that I have a desk up in my office that I think may really work in that space so I won't even have to buy one.  I also came up with a whole plan to share our closets instead of each having our own which I know will make my husband happy and I think I'll also end up with better space for my needs so it's really a win-win.  So, that's my big excitement for the day.  Sometimes it's just the little things that can make a day.

Take it off Tuesday

I didn't get around to posting on Tuesday but I did weigh in that day.  I was down to 166.4 so that's 8 pounds lost in about a week and a half.  I've been having good days and bad days.  Some days are just easier than others.  The thing that keeps me going is that my clothes are already starting to feel looser and when I put something on I feel comfortable with the way I look in it.  I do not want to be the biggest girl in the room anymore so I am going to keep plugging away at this.  I need to add in some exercise but I've been having a problem with my arm - diagnosed with lateral epicondylitis (tennis elbow)  today so hopefully once I start wearing this brace I will have some relief and can get moving.  The good news is that I'm less motivated to lose weight so that my husband will like the way I look and more motivated to lose it so that I will like how I look.